This is the most manipulating and lying and sneaking around I’ve ever done in treatment. Looking up nutrition facts and calorie counts online. Hiding food. Exercising in the bathroom. Lying when confronted about it. Purging. Self-harming. Lying about self-harming and urges to self-harm. Lying about feeling suicidal. Lying about urges to run away from the hospital.
I’m afraid. The first time I was in treatment, I didn’t think it was possible for me to get away with this much… but now that I’m learning how much I can get away with here, I worry that I won’t be able to stop. And I worry because I don’t want to stop, which means I probably won’t stop on my own… and so far, no one’s stopped me.